I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
