I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
