i love accidental penises.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
