just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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