I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
