i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
