if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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