need another drink. this is the easiest way
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
