I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize