What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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