When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize