What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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