those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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