I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
