shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
