Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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