The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
