By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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