On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
