when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
