i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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