did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
