Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize