Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
