He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
did i walk over a car last night?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
