Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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