I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize