her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Someone signed my nipple.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
