just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
