I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize