Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
