I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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