Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
