yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
