The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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