I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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