I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
