hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
