I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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