I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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