He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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