Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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