well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
