and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
