Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
