She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
sarcasm needs its own font
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize