I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
