$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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