Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
