Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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