that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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