Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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