dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
