I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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