I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
if only i could text you this smell
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
