New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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