He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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