When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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