Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
