My room smells like vodka and shame
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
