Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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