pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
