it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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