Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
