new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
