oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
