How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
