Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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